As kids we weren't just curious and fearless, climbing trees barefoot and seeking adventure. Most of us went through a shit storm. We got bullied and made fun of, we saw our parents fight, get divorced or drink too much. If you're a woman you were taught to be nice, helpful and quiet. Your boundaries were crossed, something was taken from you, if not your virginity, your voice. 3 out of 5 women have experienced some kid of sexual abuse or assault growing up. If you're a man you were taught, if not by your dad then by locker rooms and society, to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, suppress your feelings and man up. All of this wires us a certain way. We become afraid, emotionally stunted and vulnerable. We attach ourselves to others and their opinions of us because we dont have a strong sense of self.
Our souls have not been crushed by shitty jobs and lopsided relationships yet. We dont know anything about debt or taxes or rejection. We haven't been cheated on , lied to. or ghosted. Fear and false beliefs have not hijacked us yet. We want to explore, everyday is an adventure. The world is big, we are curious and fearless. As we move into adulthood we discover we are different. We're not as pretty, tall, athletic or smart as others. So we do everything we can to fit in. Some of us make it into the circle, some of us dont. The ones who dont become outcasts, we think we are less then, so we try to make up for it in other ways. This starts the disconnect with ourselves. Our search for lacking sets off the toxic pattern of living from the outside in instead of from the inside out. We lock away parts of ourselves that we once liked into a hope chest. We become lesser versions of ourselves so others will like us.Or we posture. Either way, we hide now and learn to chase approval and validation. A quest we will stay on for many years to come. Soon it turns us invisible. Then we get into relationships, and we feel a sense of worth and importance. We feel desirable and because we finally feel seen, we believe we've found ourselves, but what actually has happened is we have begun losing ourselves in someone else. We discover codependency, unhealthy love and heartbreak. Over and over. Eventually we believe we're not only defective but unloveable. We develop poor coping strategies that create a pattern of self destruction. We create more disconnection as we lose trust in others, but more importantly trust in ourselves. We become putty, moldable by others. We do anything we can do to prove that we actually matter and are loveable. We buy things to fill a void and lock our dial on achievement. Life continues to chip away at us as we search for purpose and meaning but come up short. The frustration strips us of our curiosity. All we have seemed to find is judgement and the magic of the world fades. We make sacrifices because we believe that's what being an adult looks like, we put our own needs and wants aside for others, and continue to lose ourselves in our relationships, instead of building a healthy relationship with ourselves, and remain completely unaware of what a healthy relationship even looks like. After All we've never experienced one. So we get into toxic abusive and lopsided relationships because they feel familiar. Though they bring us the kind of pain that makes us question life. We keep that buried deep inside and pretend it's all good. We continue to push through to chase things that are not honest to us. Falling into the same patterns that create the same experiences that cement the same beliefs. I know, a bit dramatic, but we are not aware that this is happening because it's happening on the inside. On the outside life is life and we've accepted it. We move forward instead of inward. We start fading. The world starts to shrink. What was once an ocean is now a plastic swimming pool with cracks in it. We have created our own prison. Years blur into a decade and we've drifted so far. We have no idea who we are or what we want anymore. We have accepted our circumstances, this is as good as it's going to get. So we numb ourselves with food, drugs and meaningless sex. We continue to drift further from ourselves and the more we disconnect with ourselves, the more we crave connection with someone else. This is why so many of us fall into relationships that lead to years of misery and heartbreak we know are not right. But we dont want to be alone. Or we think we can fix them because fixing things is how we find value in ourselves. But we can't fix other people. We get into a relationship to fix boredom or loneliness, but the call is coming from inside the house. Until you resolve it, the disconnect with who you really are is going to haunt you. No perfect partner can replace that. You have to deal with it at some point.
