This website was a lifesaver for me over a decade ago when I cut all contact with my abusive mother and stepfather. Although, I’m no longer a Christian, I still agree with the entire concept of this woman’s wisdom logic and instruction regarding adult child abuse by narcissistic family members. Her book dispels the notion that Christians are demanded by God to forgive all, using biblical scripture. I hope it will help guide many others towards the knowledge, therefore the courage, to finally be free. Without guilt or shame. After all, it’s commanded by Jesus Christ Himself, to shun evildoers unless they repent and change their evil ways. Even family members.
“Dear Sister,
Have you been abused by a birth-parent, sibling, or other relative, and has this abuse continued into your adulthood? Have you been controlled, manipulated, criticized, insulted, humiliated, betrayed, or abandoned by someone you loved? Have you been called names, screamed at, shouted at, or ordered around? Do you have a relative who intrudes and pries into your life and tells you what to do? Do you have a one-way relationship, with you doing all of the giving and none of the receiving? Are unreasonable demands or expectations placed upon you? Does your birth-family expect unquestioned obedience, even though you are now an adult? Have you been threatened with being disowned, cut out of the family or out of the will? Have you been lied to, lied about, gossiped about, cheated, or even stolen from by a family member? Have you been sabotaged, undermined, disrespected, demeaned, degraded, or the target of jealousy or envy from a parent or sibling? Have you been asked or pressured to lie, cover up, keep family secrets or do anything else you are uncomfortable with? Are you always taking care of others at your expense, while your needs are constantly ignored? Have your husband or children been hurt by or witnessed abuse from your relatives?
Have you tried to set boundaries with your relative, only to have him refuse to accept responsibility, deny, blame you, or escalate his abuse? Have you felt it necessary to limit or avoid contact with this person in order to protect yourself, your husband, or your children? Were you put in the difficult position of having to confront a sick or elderly relative? When you began standing up for yourself, did your family member stop speaking to you rather than stop abusing you?
Have you been criticized, judged, betrayed, or abandoned by other family members for finally standing up for yourself? Do other relatives justify, rationalize, or even defend the abuser’s behavior? Did these same people tolerate and accept the abuser’s behavior, standing by silently while you were victimized, possibly for many years, and now the only disapproval they have ever voiced is aimed at you, for trying to protect yourself?
Sister, for those of us who have been raised in this kind of family, surrounded by abusive relatives and their enablers our whole lives, this combination circus / horror show atmosphere can seem almost normal. Yet when we read these words in black and white, we are shocked by how bad it actually sounds. Those who have normal, loving families find it difficult to understand the distress, anxiety, and heartache we have lived with.
When people show you who they are, believe them”….Maya Angelou
An abusive birth-relative is most often a parent, but can also be a sibling, grandparent, cousin, aunt or uncle. When we refer to abusive, controlling, or abandoning “birth-families”, we mean the family who raised you, and who was supposed to love, protect, and cherish you. This includes adoptive, step-, and foster families.
There are a number of behaviors that can be considered abusive, but we often don’t think of them in that way simply because we have been raised experiencing these behaviors from a relative that we have known all of our lives, and we think of his behavior as normal, because it is all we have ever known from him.
Because we love this person, we tend to overlook his behavior. We have also been trained since childhood to ignore or make excuses for the abuse by other relatives who are in denial or who protect the abuser (see The Silent Partner). A family member’s bad childhood, background, war experiences, alcoholism, personality disorders, psychological problems, etc., may help us to understand him, but should never be used as an excuse to justify his mistreatment or abuse of others. Whether he chooses to get help for his issues or not, he does not have the right to inflict them on anyone else.
We sometimes don’t understand that we are really being abused until we compare our family relationships with someone else whose family does not behave in an abusive or controlling manner.
Any behavior which attempts to control you is abuse, simply because adults do not control other adults. When any given behavior causes you stress on a regular basis or begins to undermine your self-esteem, it has crossed the line into abuse.
Here are some examples of abusive behavior. Please e-mail us any others you can think of so we can add them to our list.
Criticism Manipulation Humiliation Betrayal Insults
Undermining self-confidence Guilt-Trips Name-calling
Disrespecting Intruding Unreasonable expectations
Treating you like a child Telling you what to do Unloving
Demeaning Not respecting your privacy Lying Stealing
Judgmentalism Raising voice at you Trying to bribe you
Threatening Disowning Making demands Sabotage
Expecting ‘obedience’ from you even though you are now an adult
Pressuring Snide comments Abandoning Giving orders
Inappropriate anger Frequent rudeness
Expecting you to take care of them or solve their problems
Expecting you to sacrifice for them while ignoring your needs (one-way relationship)
Instigating trouble between family members Selfishness
Prying Pressuring you to lie, cover up, or keep family secrets
Picking fights Screaming Belittling Sarcasm Using you
Complaining about you to others Denial Taking advantage
Whining or using tears to get own way The Silent Treatment
Making scenes in public or in front of your children
Pressuring you to take sides with them against other relatives
Blaming you for whatever they’re unhappy about
Blaming you or others for whatever they do wrong
Insensitivity Inconsideration Hurtfullness Uncaring
Minimizing your feelings Nastiness Belligerence Cruelty
Making you doubt your perceptions Pouting Gossiping
Negative remarks about your weight, appearance, etc.
Transferring their abuse to your spouse when you get married, rejecting your spouse
Competing with your spouse
Trying to make an ally of your spouse, smothering your spouse with love to make you look crazy and turn him against you later on!
For more examples of abusive behavior, check out these lists:
bullyeq- Strange Psycho Behaviour
bullyeq- Abuse You May Not Realise
For more on birth-family abuse of adult daughters, please see the Sections on Happier Holidays, The Abuser’s Reaction to Rebuke, The Silent Partner, Why They Abuse, Abandon or Betray You, The Effects of Abuse, A Little About Us, Repenting & Apologies, Reprobates & Cutting Ties, Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted, Claiming the Victory, and Setting & Enforcing Limits & Boundaries, as well as the books reviewed in Reading Spotlight (especially Toxic Parents and Children of the Self-Absorbed )
Leonard- “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”
Sheldon- “You can catch even MORE flies with manure. What’s your point?”
……from The Big Bang Theory
I wonder where folks get the idea that Christians have to be meek and mild, silently enduring mistreatment, tolerating anything anybody else does, and timidly standing by while abusers trample all over them and other innocent victims. Since when is it a sin to speak out against evil? This is what our abusers want us to believe, and they just love throwing it back in our faces anytime we protest their behavior. They provoke us to anger, they cause untold pain and suffering, and then when we finally speak up, they smugly inform us that we’re not acting like “good Christians”. This is hogwash. Abusers would just love for us to back off and be quiet while they do anything they want and get away with murder.
Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted
Adult Child Abuse
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL….
…TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
…ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
…CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS….
…OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
…EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
…CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
…JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO….
…BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
…HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
…BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
…HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !”
