NO FORGIVENESS FOR THE UNREPENTANT

NO FORGIVENESS FOR THE UNREPENTANT
By Renee Pittelli
 
            "Have you ever had it happen that when you rebuked an abuser, not only did she refuse to apologize, repent, or change her hurtful behavior, but she then proceeded to smugly inform you that “God forgives her” because “God forgives everything”, and that the Bible says that you have to forgive her, too?  I have,  more than once.

            And all I can say to that is, “Nice try.”  Because it’s just not true.  Biblical forgiveness doesn’t work that way.   Not even close.  God forgives everybody who REPENTS, not everybody who doesn’t repent, and continues sinning.  Repentance means turning from one’s sinful ways and changing one’s LIFE.  It does not mean continuing on as before, and it also does not mean stopping just one or two obnoxious behaviors while continuing all the rest, or even finding some new ones.  It might surprise such self-righteous offenders to learn that God does NOT forgive “everybody”, and that he does NOT tell us to, either.  In fact, there is NOT ONE INSTANCE in Scripture of the Lord forgiving anyone who remains “stiff-necked” (stubborn) and unrepentant.

            Before one starts quoting the Bible, it might be a good idea to actually READ IT first.  When ungodly people state that God’s Word says something that justifies or facilitates their wickedness,  I  just love to hand them a Bible and ask them to show me exactly where it says that.  Usually, they get all flustered, angry, or embarrassed, and quickly change the subject or storm off in a huff.  If, by some remote chance, they can actually find the Scripture they’re referring to (and conveniently misinterpreting), then we can read it in context and explore it together- but that hasn’t happened to me yet!

            Those who know the Lord and study his Word know that he has such a heart of love for the downtrodden and the broken-hearted, and that he desires us to be free of every kind of bondage.  God’s Word is infallible, and God does not play mean little tricks on abuse victims.  He NEVER says anything that would make it easier for a sinner to keep on sinning or an abuser to keep on abusing.  To even suggest otherwise is to reveal a profound ignorance of God’s divine nature.

            Biblically speaking, NO ONE gets forgiven without changing his ways and turning to God and godliness.  The New Testament includes an additional requirement for meriting forgiveness- accepting Jesus as one’s Lord and Savior (and no one who has genuinely done that can continue abusing others).  Abusers would just love an excuse to obligate us to forgive them without the slightest effort to make amends, commitment to change, or anything expected of them at all.   It’s the Abuser’s Dream Gig- to be able to commit one evil deed after another with impunity, and then pervert the Word of God by claiming that others have to repeatedly and unconditionally forgive her.  This is utter nonsense. 

            BE NOT DECEIVED; GOD IS NOT MOCKED: FOR WHATSOEVER A MAN SOWETH, THAT SHALL HE ALSO REAP….Galatians 6:7.  The Bible is not an excuse for abusive people to have a field day without ever suffering any consequences.  Distorting the Word of God to get away with evil is an indication of the demonic nature of such people, not of their innocence and good intentions.  Ask any deliverance minister and you will learn that twisting God’s Word to facilitate evil is one of the most common tactics used by demons.

            Abusers by definition wouldn’t have the slightest idea what the Bible REALLY says about forgiveness, or anything else.  It’s not like they spend a lot of time studying God’s Word and applying it to their lives. They’re just repeating something they heard somewhere along the line, and twisting it to suit their own purposes.  They’re using what they imagine Scripture says to pressure us and guilt us into forgiving them when they have done nothing whatsoever to deserve our forgiveness.

            Some abusers like to call themselves Christians, because it enables them to get away with abusive behavior more frequently without being challenged or confronted.  These people might actually be familiar with Scripture, and then use it, twist it, and take it out of context to justify their behavior and attempt to deceive us into forgiving them when no forgiveness is warranted.  But talk is cheap.  We need to study the Bible concerning this, and pray for the discernment and wisdom to distinguish between  REAL Christians and  PRETEND Christians- those who are conveniently “Christian”  only when it suits them.  One big clue is that REAL Christians ACT LIKE real Christians.  This means they do NOT mistreat other people.

            The Bible does in fact tell us that we should forgive as the Lord forgave us (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32).    But there are requirements for forgiveness.  If we read in more depth and in context about God forgiving us, including the hows, whys and under what circumstances, we will see that he only forgives us when we come to him in the spirit of remorse, change our lives through his Son, ask for forgiveness, and repent (CHANGE).  So if we are to forgive others as God forgives us, then we are to forgive them AFTER they have shown genuine remorse by the grace of Jesus’ cleansing blood, and AFTER they have repented (CHANGED), NOT BEFORE.  That is the formula for forgiveness which God models for us, and that is the formula which he instructs us to follow.   



            Other Scriptural examples of the Lord forgiving us IF AND WHEN WE REPENT are written in Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19.  These are just a few of the examples we can study that will educate us about God’s prerequisites and requirements for forgiveness.

            We are not to cheapen the gift of forgiveness by giving it prematurely or undeservedly, to those who demand it and act as if they are entitled to it, and yet have done nothing to merit it.  The Lord’s higher purpose is to change men’s hearts and make them turn from evil, give up their wicked ways, and choose to follow HIM instead of Satan.  He does that by requiring repentance before forgiveness, not by giving evildoers a free ride. 

            In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us very clearly that we are to forgive someone who sins against us  IF he repents.   He does NOT tell us to forgive everyone, including those who have  absolutely no remorse and fully intend to continue abusing others and behaving badly.  That would be preposterous and contradictory.  God does not do nonsensical things that do not serve his ultimate purpose of bringing all men into his grace and his presence. 

          When an abuser refuses to change his ways, stop abusing, and start doing good, we are unable to grant him forgiveness. When we cannot forgive him because of his intention to continue repeating his wickedness, then God does not forgive him, either. AGAIN JESUS SAID, “PEACE BE WITH YOU! AS THE FATHER HAS SENT ME, I AM SENDING YOU.” AND WITH THAT HE BREATHED ON THEM AND SAID, “RECEIVE THE HOLY SPIRIT. IF YOU FORGIVE ANYONE HIS SINS, THEY ARE FORGIVEN; IF YOU DO NOT FORGIVE THEM, THEY ARE NOT FORGIVEN”….John 20: 21-22 NIV.                




         God does not want us to continue to be abused.  And he does not want us to allow abusers to continue their abuse with no consequences.  In fact, we are told numerous times to shun evildoers ( some of these Scriptures are:  Proverbs 22:10, Proverbs 22: 24, Proverbs 23:9, Proverbs 24: 25, Proverbs 25: 4-5, Proverbs 24:24, Proverbs 26:24-26, Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Proverbs 19:19, Matthew 18: 15-17, Titus 3:10-11, and 1 Corinthians 5:11).  Look up “rebuke” in a large Concordance, and you will also find dozens of references (see the section onRebuking on our site).



          The Bible teaches that all evil behavior has consequences.  The only way to come into a state of grace is to give up sinfulness and walk in the ways of the Lord, in love for others.  Abusers by nature could not care less about coming closer to God, and usually need some extra incentive to straighten up and fly right.  That incentive is often some kind of social censure, which may, for a particular individual, include our refusal to forgive him until and if he has earned it. 

            There are times that God will use us in this way to bring a person into repentance and to him. By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are not helping them and we are not serving God’s purposes.  We are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives, to truly accept Jesus as their Savior so their sins can be washed away, and to walk forever with our Father.   By interfering with God’s Law of Sowing and Reaping, we are preventing God’s purpose from being fulfilled in that individual’s life. 

            The Lord requires that we do our part in bringing others to repentance.  SON OF MAN, I HAVE MADE YOU A WATCHMAN FOR THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL; SO HEAR THE WORD I SPEAK AND GIVE THEM WARNING FROM ME.  WHEN I SAY TO THE WICKED, “O WICKED MAN, YOU WILL SURELY DIE,” AND YOU DO NOT SPEAK OUT TO DISSUADE HIM FROM HIS WAYS, THAT WICKED MAN WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, AND I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS BLOOD. BUT IF YOU DO WARN THE WICKED MAN TO TURN FROM HIS WAYS AND HE DOES NOT DO SO, HE WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, BUT YOU WILL HAVE SAVED YOURSELF.”…Ezekiel 33:7-9.

 

 

            So despite attempts by ungodly people to mislead, deceive or pressure us, we need to stand firm in the knowledge that the Lord does notforgive those who are 'stiff-necked' , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either.  There is no such thing as unconditional forgiveness.  There are CONDITIONS on receiving forgiveness, there is a REASON for those conditions, and the conditions are repentance and turning from one’s evil ways.   Forgiveness is not to be given just because someone simply demands it, or insists he is entitled to it.  It is only to be offered to those who are truly worthy of it."
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"I’ve said many times that I think we should shun repeat abusers–especially narcissists. Even if someone doesn’t hurt me, if I know they hurt others, I don’t want to encourage them. I want to avoid them! Furthermore, when onlookers stay silent about abuse, the narcissist believes that means they condone or even support his or her behavior. People who remain apathetic–who just don’t care about what the abuser does to hurt others–are the narcissist’s best friends. They enable the narc and encourage the abuse to continue simply by doing nothing.

I once stated my theory publicly to some mutual acquaintances I shared with the narcopath. I said that abuse continues because society lets it. People willingly let narcissists go about preying on others because they don’t want to speak out or get involved. When I said that, one of narcopath’s enablers huffily said that it was childish to shun people based on what relationship they had with another person. She said that she didn’t care what narcopath had done to others, and that mature adults only judge people by what that person does with them. Well, superficially narcopath has put on a charming face with that person, so she thinks he’s just fine. But with me, and many others, he is violent and exploitative. That reality doesn’t change just because he puts on an act sometimes. If narcissistic abusers were shunned for their behavior, they might actually have some reason to change it since they depend on others for supply!

In normal situations with normal people, it is reasonable to judge a person by their interaction with you. Maybe Suzy doesn’t get along with Paula because of a difference in personalities, but that doesn’t mean Suzy is a bad person. If you and Suzy get along well, that’s great! But with narcissists and sociopaths, they are dangerous, predatory people through and through. You can’t say that they just have differences with others because they are so cruel and manipulative, they are willing to exploit anyone and everyone. Would we befriend a kidnapper simply because they didn’t hurt us? No way! If a predator does that kind of damage to someone, we are horrified and we avoid them. But when a narcissist tears someone apart emotionally, they get away with it.

Predators are often very interesting and charming. My ex narcopath is below average for looks, but has no problem grooming and hooking hundreds of women with his false personality. There are many people who think he’s fun to be around. There are many other people who are picking up the pieces of their lives after he’s been through like a sledgehammer. Does the fact that he can be fun with some people mean that those people should ignore what he does to his victims? Would you be friends or stay friendly with someone who is a lot of fun for you, but hurts those close to them? Morally, I couldn’t do that, but apathetic people in society do it every day. They choose not to get involved, or they choose to ignore abuse that doesn’t affect them, but in reality, they are giving the abuser the green light to hurt more people. When it comes to abuse, silence is approval." ~Author Unknown

"I have a choice about what I accept and what I don’t accept and what I accept or don’t accept is based on the fact that today I know what love is and I know what love isn’t and it isn’t compliance and obedience to dysfunctional rules. Choosing love meant that I chose to reject anything less than love. When I chose love, I chose life, I chose truth and I chose ME. 

When a parent denies their child a voice, blames the child for any traumatic events they experienced growing up while still denying that there even were any traumatic events, and continues to paint that child as “a problem”, “unforgiving”, or any other negative blaming descriptive phrases, ~ There IS NO real relationship between that child and their parents. There IS no love lost when there was no love in the first place.

So when someone approaches me with judgment for the decisions that I have made or for my work here in Emerging from Broken, I consider where they are coming from. This judgment ultimately is about them, I mean think about it; why would someone argue that abuse from parents is ‘not abuse’ because it is an action delivered by a parent, or that parents have special rights just because they are parents? Why would  people react with anger or judgment towards someone who expresses freedom from walking away from abusive people just because those abusive people were their parents?  What could possibly be the motivation behind sticking up for abuse and abusers? When I understood the truth about the answer to that question, I no longer felt defensive about my actions. I was able to let go of the need to defend my choices when I realized that the way people react to my choices is about them and not about me; people who have had loving parents do not defend abusive parents.

Not everyone is ready to face the truth about their own past."

~Darlene Ouimet

"I look with such a mix of emotions at a phenomena that we see here and in the Narc Business all too often. That is, those commenters who criticize and judge us for being "too harsh," "not humble," and (this one really gets me!) "not compassionate" in our posts about the wicked who do great harm to the innocent. Or, God forbid, for having a giggle or two at their expense. Here we deal with child abusers, adult abusers, liars, child rapists, psychopaths, slanderers, thieves, reputation-ruiners, backstabbers, traitors, the violent, and other malicious, cunning, scheming and dangerous troublemakers. Who in their right mind would actually suggest we should show compassion for them? And yet you do not show a shred of compassion for their victims? We are talking about the evil, the children and minions of Satan. And yet, not a word of judgment, criticism or condemnation for THEM! What the heck? You only have judgment, criticism and condemnation for the righteous who stand up against the wicked? We don't present our thoughts and feelings in a way that sufficiently pussy-foots about the issue so your delicate sensibilities are not made to feel uncomfortable? Oh, waa, waa. Grow up. If the way we talk about abusers bothers you so much, then you do not belong on this page, because surely the abuse itself, the suffering and pain and ruined lives of the innocent, must upset you far more than anything we say about it. No, it doesn't? Why not? That is not normal.

If you think we are not being "Christlike" by being "harsh" with the wicked, then you do not know Christ or the Gospels. If you think righteous anger is wrong or "unChristian", then you do not know Jesus or how he behaved in similar circumstances. If you think we are supposed to overlook and forgive every degenerate evil deed without expecting any repentance (change in behavior) and just allow it to continue while staying silent, then you do not know the Bible at all. If you think walking away from an abuser and going No Contact with him is "unbiblical" and wrong and means we are hurting him and taking revenge, you are 100% WRONG. By staying away from the children of Satan, we are not harming them in any way. And this is EXACTLY what the Bible tells us to do, over and over again. God does NOT want his children associating with the children of the devil. We are obeying him. There are many, many scriptures that address this. If you don't know them, then you are the ignorant one who does not know God's Word, not us.

I feel everything from wonder and awe to disgust to shaking my head and laughing at this absurdity. Have you nothing to say to abusers and narcissists? Have you nothing to criticize child molesters or beaters about? Nothing for psychopaths who have spent years and decades deliberately making life hell for other people? It's easy for you to smile and overlook something that wasn't done to you or your child. You have no authority to forgive the sins of a psychopath who didn't do anything to you. Only the injured party can forgive, and that is between her and God~ it's none of your business. You have a big mouth when it comes to judging those who do have the courage to speak out against evil, but when it comes to speaking out against evil yourself, you slink off into a corner like a spineless jellyfish. If we don't present our thoughts in a way that pleases your majesty, then start your own page. Join us in standing up and confronting evil, and shaming it too (because that's one of the few strategies that works), or leave. Keep your cowardly and twisted opinion to yourself. What kind of a person preaches sympathy for the devil? Think about it. You are defending and facilitating evil, and WE'RE the "bad Christians?" You are revealing far more about yourself, your integrity, your morals, your character, and yes, your "Christianity" than you realize."
~Sister Renee Pittelli 

"There'd be no such thing as narcissistic abuse if it weren't for the enablers. These are the folks who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in and demand that it stop. They have the power to do so. All it takes is for one or two courageous souls to say "No, this is not okay."

But, for various reasons, enablers elect to remain "neutral."

The narcissist depends upon these weak-willed comrades. Abusing someone isn't any fun if it's only a party of two. With a crowd, there's unlimited potential for drama. The narcissist can pull a lot more strings that way.

If it were just the abuser and her target, it wouldn't be worth it to carry out a full-fledged hate campaign. So, the narcissist works to get others to turn on the target. The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse.

Targets — especially if this happens at work or in a social setting — watch as the people they thought were their friends slink away as the battle intensifies.

Not taking a stand to stop someone from being hurt doesn't absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not." ~Author Unknown

"Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion's true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: "Good people are not lukewarm toward evil" it says.

Cowards are.

Loving good is hating evil. And vice versa. Love is an attraction; hate a repulsion. But that is too simple for complex people to understand.

Now I am not saying that we must reject everyone not perfect, for then we would reject everyone, including ourselves. But decent people need no instruction. 

There is a point at which behavior becomes predatory and malicious - a point at which one is morally obligated to separate themselves from that person.

You thus take away a bad actor's safety in numbers. You show disapproval. You discourage others from behaving the same way. You comfort the victim by showing him or her that the pain caused them by the bad guy matters to you.

Is any of that evil?

It's just a way of discouraging the harm the bad guy is doing others by showing that you want nothing to do with someone who hurts others like that.

Where is the sin in that, pray tell? Sounds like fine, upstanding conduct to me.

Jesus spoke of this when he said that "indecent conduct" is a special case and justification for divorce even. At the time, the terms "indecent" or "lewd" conduct simply meant "lowdown" or "despicable" conduct of any sort.

And that statement of his, qualifying his disapproval of divorce, is just common sense.

Why? Let's say you are married to a Mafia boss. Is it right for you live in his big fancy house, being waited on by his hired staff? Is it right for you to PROFIT from the crimes he commits and ther damage he does to people?

To the contrary:

it is immoral for you not to divorce him when you find out what he is.


The same people who make a virtue of "accepting" abusive narcissists, relentlessly persecute anyone for any hint of racism or sexism. THAT they won't tolerate. They wouldn't DREAM of tolerating anything politically incorrect like that.

But though they know and believe that the narcissist has brutally abused you, they see no reason to show any disapproval of that.

Hmmm. Whom do they think they're fooling?

They make nothing of that narcissist's abuse of you. They countenance it.

If instead they rejected the narcissist, they would be doing the one small thing they could to get on the right side, the victim's side.

But they abandon the victim and smile in the abuser's face.

Not so holy as they pretend."

by Kathy Krajco.

"Rebuke, setting boundaries, and even enforcing consequences can all be acts of love, done in love.  We love our children, but we still set limits on their behavior, teach them right from wrong, disapprove when they hurt others, and teach them good manners, thoughtfulness, consideration and to treat others nicely.  We take the time to rebuke and teach them precisely because we DO love them.  We can do the same with our abusive relatives.  We can expect proper behavior from them, disapprove of causing pain for others, have boundaries, and refuse to be subjected to abuse or evil, and still love them.  The reason we try so hard to work things out is because we love them.  But do they love us enough to work things out?

          After we have confronted them and stated our boundaries, it is then their choice whether they will respect our limits or continue to abuse.  It is their choice whether the relationship will be able to continue, or will have to end.  Many abusers, when confronted with limits on their behavior, will choose to end the relationship rather than change, and will disown us.  This will cause us much sorrow, precisely because we do love and miss them.  It will take time before we will be able to heal and move on.

          There are also times when we will have no choice but to be the ones to walk away from a toxic relationship.  This is a very difficult decision, usually reached in desperation after many years of trying everything we could think of to make the relationship work, and reluctantly coming to realize that it takes two to tango, and our relative does not care about us enough to even try.  We spend most of our lives trying to change things precisely because we DO love our relative and want so much to have a nice relationship.  It is very painful to walk away from someone we love, but there are times we have no choice.

          Loving someone does not mean you have to have a relationship with them.  As we go through life, most of us at one time or another will have the experience of just not being able to be with someone we love, because we’re not good together, not good for each other, or they’re not right for us or healthy for us.  This could be an old boyfriend, a childhood school chum, or a family member.  As time passes, we come to accept this and know that it’s a part of life, and maybe even look back on our time with that person fondly while moving on with our own lives.   Loving someone does not mean staying in a toxic situation.  Sometimes you love someone but you still have to walk away.  You can love someone from a distance if that’s what it takes to be safe and healthy. 

          Abusers, of course, are going to accuse us of not loving them if we set limits on them, rebuke them, disown them, or even if they disown us.  This is due to many reasons, including manipulation, yet another attempt to control us, or their trademark denial and refusal to be accountable for their own behavior and to blame us or everyone else for the consequences of their own actions.  They are looking at it from a warped perspective and we should not take their accusations of unlovingness on our parts seriously.  The ones who are unloving in the relationship are THEM, not us.

          Love doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be abused, exploited, mistreated, and victimized.  It doesn’t mean letting the person you love do anything they want, no matter how wrong or evil, without ever stopping them. You do not owe the people you love a lifetime of being allowed to walk all over you.  If they refuse to treat you with love, then you can still love them as a part of your past, while understanding and accepting that, for reasons not in your control, they cannot be a part of your present, and will not be a part of your future.  You will mourn and grieve this loss, as you would the loss of anyone you love.  And then you will begin to heal and move on to a better life." 
~Sister Renee Pittelli. 

"Christians...listen up. All the platitudes and bromides you've been weaned on do not apply to narcissists. Quit coddling, excusing, justifying and enabling evil to thrive. Your well-intentioned desire to "save" the narcissist is back-firing. You are supporting evil when you don't hold evil people accountable for their behavior.

Christians, of all people, should be the last ones who excuse or support evil people, yet, somehow, they do it everyday thinking themselves to be good Christians by giving a pass to out right evil behaviors just so they look like "nice" people. Turn on your brains andthink. Stop acting how you think you should act in order to impress all your friends with your great Christian heart. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't necessarily the "nice" thing. The Gospel of Nice is not the Gospel of Christ. You are morally weak if you are giving a pass to evil narcissists. Period. Yes, even if that narcissist is your parent.

As I've stated in recent posts, when you decide to stop feeding the narcissist, when you quit playing by their rules, you have declared war. The narcissist is in this war to maintain what they value most...power over you. You are in the war to eradicate evil from your sphere of influence.

This is serious business. No one enters war lightly. Count the costs before you engage; once engaged, do not settle for less than victory.

"It is no small thing to let your goodness be exploited, used, and manipulated by predatory narcissists. Your good qualities are only good if they support good. All too often people fall for the notion that their eternal patience and determined belief in the good of all people will cause others to rise to the occasion. The narcissist willnever rise to this occasion in the way you hope. They will only see opportunity for protective coloration by standing very close to you and letting your goodness hide their badness."

It is imperative for you, your family, and your social circle that you engage your rational powers and start discerning between good and evil. Discernment = judgment. Not a bad word. I have said before that "nice people suck". In this context, of how "nice" people often let themselves be used by evil people, I am speaking. There is a time for everything. Always being "nice" is a sign that you do not understand there is a time to not be "nice". There is a time to judge. A time to take an unpopular stand. A time to hold evil-doers to account no matter the cost to you. A time to protect the innocent and abused from those who have very successfully hidden their malignancy heretofore. A time for war.

The only time we should engage with evil is to defeat it." 
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/06/best-of-posts-on-narcissists-suck.html?m=1..