Do you remember what it feels like to fall head over heals in love with someone? That blinding kind of love? They can do no wrong and even their worse traits are appealing exciting and charming to you. You would defend them against anyone who spoke ill of them. You lived to please them and wouldn’t dream of doing ANYTHING that would offend or upset them. They were the first thing on your mind when you woke and the last thing before bed. Your greatest desire was to learn and know every part of them, what made them tick, happy sad or mad.
This is how I was with God. When I first started my spiritual/religious journey I was determined to become someone god would be proud to call his own. Never having a father God became my father. When I cut off toxic people in my life God filled the emptiness and became my everything. The LAST thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. Maybe this is what made it so easy for me to give up drinking and drugging? All I know is that I easily quit my addictions cold turkey with no withdraws and no desire to go back to the person I was.
My new addiction became learning WHO this god was and I hungered for him like one hungers after their first love. I believed the bible WAS god breathed because it said so; therefore I studied it non stop and often shared many verses with others that took my breath away. Many christians would get angry when I shared these verses and I was shocked at how little people really knew about scripture/god. I loved that my newfound love/god wasn’t the pansy pushover god who loved everybody no matter what they did. I loved how my god was a vengeful god who would punish the wicked and protect his own. I loved how my god was jealous for my love and would not share me with other gods/desires/lusts. My love blinded me to the evil things the bible god did time and time again. Just like most people are blinded and delusional when they first fall head over heals in love with another…
I no longer believe in the god of Abraham Isaac and Jacob that man created. I no longer claim to know so much like I used to do. I question everything especially myself. Some think I left christianity because I was hurt or betrayed by people or a “church.” No. It was the jewish tribal bible and how it hurt the Native people and the Palestinians. I’m very knowledgable of whats written in it enough to know it’s nothing more than a tool for evil men to flourish. That doesn’t make me evil, or lost. It just means I no longer believe in the bible. It’s a book!
As with any break up from a blind love affair it’s painful shameful and embarrassing when we look back at the people we’ve hurt and things we said and did. One thing that’s come out of all this is a soft spot grew in my heart that I’ve never had before. If I never got hooked up with this bible spell my eyes may never have been opened to the worst genocide in history since the birth of the USA against the Native Americans. The Palestinian genocide committed by Israel. It feels so damn good to feel after being numb for so many years and for that I’m forever grateful even if I never live to see justice for those brave and beautiful Arabs of Palestine.
