I once read that when you become sober from alcohol or drug addiction that void becomes filled by another addiction. Mine became god. I immersed myself to the point my husband started researching “addicts of religion” It’s funny how alcohol addiction is tolerated and acceptable by society. When I was a drunk I had many acquaintances and a pretty good social life. Once I gave it up though, things changed. My new addiction wasn’t acceptable, cool, funny, or relatable. Being sober made me aware and no longer in denial about things. Add to that, a religion that shines light on lies and “sinful” behavior made me an unbearable nuisance to be around and I don’t blame anyone for hating who I had become.
After 25 years (from age 14-40) of stuffing down harsh realities and numbing my pain with alcohol what the fuck was I supposed to do? I turned to god for answers and comfort. Most alcoholics have the love and support of friends and family to get them through, but my family were all still drunks stuffing down their own realities and pain. They offered no love and support at all, only ridicule, hate, blame, and denial. Who else could I turn to? I turned to god. And so the addiction began and no matter who was against me it didn’t matter because I had “him” on my side.
I did horrible things during those 2-3 years of my sobriety and religion addiction. My husband even sent me to therapy. Looking back now, I wish they put 2 and 2 together and SEE that I was simply replacing one deadly addiction with another. But unfortunately they were Christian councilors. That’s like going to a drunk for therapy. They too were deluded. One counselor, however, did tell me that my step father and mother should have been sent to prison a long time ago for what they did. It felt good to finally get some validation for that.
Sobriety sucks. Reality sucks. But somehow it’s better than being an obnoxious drunk. I no longer wear a mask or fear what others think of me or tolerate hurtful abusive behavior from anyone. My kids are no longer exposed to my demented family members and they don’t miss them one bit. I hope I broke the cycle for their sake and their kids sake.
I no longer pretend I’m healed or better than anyone else like I did with god. (That was another painful breakup) I accept that I’m broken from my fucked up childhood and the people that destroyed me willingly or unwillingly. I have issues that can never be fixed. But being aware of those truths doesn’t change anything really. It just makes me accept and love who I am as a human being, scars and all. And I want the same for my children. I guess the best part is that I’m enjoying a drama- free hangover -free life which I guess is worth something. And I have no god to thank for that, only myself for having the courage wisdom and desire to make that change.
