When I first stopped drinking my emotions spilled out all over the place. I went years without crying, maybe because I saw my mother always crying due to my Step Monster. I hardened myself and didn’t want to give him or anyone else the satisfaction of seeing how hurt I was inside. I used to think it was God who was softening my heart because I would often break down in tears sometimes for no reason at all. I developed a soft spot for people I didn’t even know (Palestinians). I think it was an awakening from the drunken stupor alcohol had me in. I cried loud and hard for the first 3 years of my sobriety.
I don’t so much anymore but I am obsessive compulsive. I’m on a never ending learning quest..Once I found out about Malignant Narcissism I shared all that I learned. It was my new passion and I couldn’t stop. Then it was religion, and I studied the Bible fervently sharing all that I was learning, much of it very controversial that churches weren’t teaching causing uproars and anger amongst the Christian community. Then it was the Palestinian Genocide which caused even more backlash and hatred from Christians who support Israel and the Jews, thinking they were "God’s chosen" on "God’s Holy Land". Then I found out about the Native American genocide and how my country REALLY got founded. This is when I gave up on the Christian cult for good. I learned things that our school books don’t teach, and shared it with whomever I could while receiving very little interest or support. Only more backlash, exclusion, and diversion.
My recent OCD is Male Genital Mutilation, which is really what Circumcision is. It’s a religious practice gone mad. I’m just learning about the atrocities behind this million dollar industry. I guess after being a drunk most of my life I had no other cares or worries other than my next party, hangovers, shame, guilt, and endless drama. I no longer live in my own little bubble and I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to go back to the way things were. Even though the realities of this world are oftentimes too painful to face, I just can't seem to stop.
Who knows what my next OCD obsession will be, who knows what’s leading me to these painful awakenings..It’s easier to not care but my life has never been easy. I do believe in a higher being or power and although life oftentimes makes no sense to me whatsoever, I do believe we were born for a purpose other than feeding our own egos.
