I was never the kind of alcoholic to pass out cold in front of my kids or beat my kids or neglect my duties as a wife and mother. I never got DUI’s or DWI’s, I never got arrested or wrecked my car or harmed anyone physically. I wasn’t a visible alcoholic, I was what some might call a “highly functional” alcoholic. On the outside I looked fine, healthy, happy and had lots of friends. But on the inside I was a mess. Alcohol started out fun and became my best friend but over the years became my worst enemy. It became a love hate relationship and I wanted out. The hangovers became unbearable and I would spend the entire day binging on junk food to try and nurse myself back to normalcy. I could go weeks without a drink but once I had one I couldn’t stop. I woke up regretting things I did and said, and hated how bloated my face and body felt and looked. The days I drank I ate very little because I didn’t want the food to ruin my buzz and I didn’t want the extra calories. I had to plan my days around my drinking, even counting the hangover recovery day which limited things I could do. Drinking wasted a lot of precious time. It killed any and all self esteem and respect I had which was very little compared to what I have today. I was out of control and wine controlled me. I hated it. I tried quitting many times and told myself I would only drink on weekends which never worked because something always came up that warranted a drink and everyone I knew agreed that I deserved it. It was harder for me to quit cigarettes than booze which is surprising since the whole world supports and congratulates you when you quit smoking but when you quit drinking you’re met with shame, pity, and mockery. But for me, cigarettes didn’t have as many negative effects as wine did. They didn’t give me hangovers or make me act and look like shit and they didn’t limit the things I could and couldn’t do like driving and waking up early and running my kids here and there. People always ask me how I did it and honestly the only answer I can give is that I honestly just got sick and tired of feeling like crap! It was hard as hell, there is no easy secret recipe and willpower won’t do it either. You have to really really want to quit. I no longer enjoyed the person I became when I drank. I wanted peace. I never knew just how good sobriety could be until now. I look at the person I’ve become in these 8 years and the things I went through and overcame to get here and I’m filled with gratitude and relief. I’m relieved to finally be in control of my life. I'm relieved to be free from constant drama. Relieved to not depend on a drug to have fun and laugh and be crazy. Sure, I lost a lot of friends and family because of it but that’s the price to pay for peace and for me peace is priceless. If anyone is suffering from addiction it’s never too late as long as you’re alive. I promise you that you won’t regret it, if it’s truly what you want. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t go back to that misery for anything.
I don't even remember these pictures being taken, but I know I was drunk as hell here because it was my birthday I think 2010 or 2011.
