When people become sober a lot changes. If you’ve watched movies of recovering alcoholics you’ll see how dramatically relationships change. People who once co- mingled together become at odds because one person has changed and the others have not. My favorites are “When A Man Loves A Woman” with Meg Ryan and “28 Days” with Sandra Bullock. The start of sobriety is often messy and chaotic.
I’ve been with my husband for 29 years and 22 of those years I was an alcoholic. But our marriage went through the rockiest of times during the 7 years of me not drinking. We even filed for divorce, although never followed through with it. Some of the most hurtful things were said and done during those first sober years, some that are unforgettable and maybe even unforgivable. People of course took sides, as is always the case, and still to this day relationships have never been reconciled because of it. Not only did my marriage forever change but my relationship with my parents and siblings. In order to remain clean and sober it’s often recommended to cut ties with toxic relationships and triggers, and my most toxic relationships and triggers sadly happened to be my birth family who are addicts themselves and highly dysfunctional.
I’ve changed a lot for the better these last 3 years of my sobriety, although the first 4 years of it I look back on with shame, disgust, and confusion. I suppose I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, because after drinking and numbing myself for most of my life and the things that caused me to drink in the first place, it’s pretty clear to me why I did the things I did. Even if nobody else sees or understands it, I do and that’s all that really matters in the end.
My goal is to become a shining light of how good sobriety truly is! It’s nothing like hollywood or AA likes to portray it to be. It’s not about looking at yourself like you’re broken or being unable to do what others can do. It’s not about deprivation, isolation, or shame and guilt. It’s about being your true authentic self without the heavy chains of dependence. You no longer need a toxic substance that makes you feel like shit to have fun, feel sexy or confident, relax and unwind, be crazy and wild. You become brave enough to embrace your emotions and feelings with tender loving care, self love, respect and understanding. This is powerful and your life will show it! You will look better, feel better and live better. I look and feel better today than I did in my 20’s! For the first time in my life I’m proud of me.
I want to be the poster girl for sobriety.
