I am what some might call a “love child” and others might call a bastard. My mother had an affair with her first husband’s best friend. She got pregnant by him with me. She was 30 and he was 50 when I was born. He stood up at my baptism as my godfather. She had 3 other children before me ages 10, 9, and 6. Four years later Mother got divorced so I never really got to know my birth father or my siblings father at all.
After the divorce we she took me and my sister to live with her and her new boyfriend who was married with children, giving up custody of my brother and oldest sister to their father to live in another state. I didn’t hear from or see them for years later.
As soon as her new boyfriend kicked his wife and 2 young children out of their home, he moved my mother, sister and I in. (Think about that for a minute) Our family was split apart and when I turned 5 they married. The beginning of hell on earth began for us all.
I never saw my real father again until I was around 32. The man who raised me until I was 4 came to visit once in a blue moon but after me begging him to take me away from Step Monster he soon quit coming all together until I grew up and out. Then it was usually a once a year visit which my sister and I both dreaded. To me he was a flirtatious stranger who abandoned and betrayed me. To my older sister he was an horribly physical abusive man.
When I was around 10, Monster kicked my sister out of the house to live with her abusive father and our oldest sister. (My brother had gone into the Navy by this time). Monster had no tolerance for her rebellion against the toxic environment our mother had brought us into. I later learned she endured a horrible hell of her own. I was left heart broken and alone in the house with Mother who often was caught in the middle of the war between Monster and me. She would try to keep peace by taking no sides. I wasn’t afraid to stand up to him. Only one time I saw my mother stand up to her new husband like mama bear protects her cub, and that was when Monster strangled me up against a wall. I thought, “Maybe mom does care and love me?” But that was the last time and Monster kept on with his abuse tactics showing no shame mercy or remorse. Mother said she had no job skills to leave him so we must shut up and endure. After all he was a much better provider than her ex husband
Years later when I was married and had kids of my own, I tracked down Bio Dad and was shocked to learn that I had many OTHER half siblings. During his affair with Mother he was married with 3 kids an his wife knew all about Mother and me, his love child. She stayed married to him until she lost her battle with cancer making him a widow. He then moved in with one of his (many) lovers, an Asian woman, who cared for him until his death. Bio dad never showed any signs of shame, remorse, or guilt, during my very few personal encounters with him; only ugly boastful pride which isn’t an unusual trait for young immature men, but very disturbing to see in the elderly..
I also learned that Bio dad had 4 other daughters with another lucky lady in Hawaii during the same time he was having an affair with Mother. He was a busy man to say the least, traveling back and forth from East to West Coast, not even considering the many lives he was destroying while feeding his psychopathic narcissistic ego. When he passed away at 94 I contacted each of my half Hawaiian sisters but no relationship was formed and rightfully so. I can only imagine the stories and false assumptions on all sides where scars run deep. I respect and love them all from afar knowing we were victims given no choice by those who were supposed to love and protect us, while at the same time brave survivors of something many people never have to endure making us stronger and more resilient than most.
My brother and 2 sisters from Mother’s first marriage each have their own horror stories to tell. Each of them unique making us who we are today. I also learned Bio dad sexually molested my oldest sister and because he was a wealthy highly "respectable" business man Mother never pressed charges. She did what she does best. Ignore it, keep the peace, and move along.
While I have chosen “NO CONTACT with Mother and Monster for very good safety reasons, my siblings still keep contact. He's supposedly a millionaire (he loves to remind us all of that) and they're wringing their hands anticipating his death to collect. For this reason, I cut ties with them as well. I have no respect for people of such moral retardation.
Parenting is the most precious God given gift yet the most abused and under appreciated. I no longer have deep hatred or bitterness for those who hurt me or their enablers BUT because they refuse to face hard truths and choose to deny blame and scapegoat, I must move on. Reconciliation can never happen until the 4 R’s are met and anyone who says you must forgive no matter what is a liar hell bent on keeping you bound in toxicity, bitterness, and self destruction.
We all have a story to tell. Sometimes the first step to healing is sharing it with others. Your story often times helps to set another free!
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THE 4 R's
1) Responsibility -- The perpetrator needs to take complete and absolute responsibility for what they've done. They should not blame it on anyone else, their childhood, bullying, or moon spots. If it was their own decision, they must take full responsibility for having made that decision without justification or excuses.
2) Remorse -- The perpetrator must be truly remorseful. Most people feel bad because they were caught or had to suffer consequences, however, that's not true remorse. The only problem with this step is that no other human being can tell for certain if another is truly remorseful. People can say it, but we don't really know what's in their hearts. Actions speak louder than words.
3) Repair -- The perpetrator must do whatever it takes to repair the damage. Some damage cannot be repaired.
4) Repetition -- The perpetrator must take whatever steps needed so that this action is never repeated.
